When my daughter was growing up, I never freaked out over stuff. Everything was super chill. She liked to colour, do crafts, style my hair (it’s extremely painful to remove 5000 plastic barrettes BTW). She loved movies and would watch anything. I could take her hiking, to the beach, the park, camping, anything. She was just happy and content to do her thing wherever we were and it was easy and simple.
So when I had my son, I thought I had this in the bag. It was going to be sooo easy. hahahahhahaha i’m an idiot. To be fair, he’s really the greatest son I could have asked for, it’s more about my chill, or lack of it.
My son loves all of the above mentioned activities, minus the hair styling (thank gawd), and the beach (weird), plus a few extras like hockey, soccer, baseball, wrestling, and most recently sharks, so basically all things boy.
So when did my chill finally leave me? I’m not sure but I realized it yesterday as I watched him hurl his tiny body off the high dive at the pool and proceed to do a flip off the diving board. He seemed so small to me at the moment. All arms and legs and skinny-boy rib cage. I wanted to run out and grab him before he could jump off. But he was fearless. Just tossed himself off like he was taking a run at his bed at night. He landed safely with the “oooh’s” of the gaggle of kids waiting in line to jump off as well. I watched with baited breath as he swam to the edge of the pool to get out. He was so happy he landed it. So proud of himself for being so brave and loving it! I was proud of him too. Last year you could barely get him in to a pool, now he’s taking a run at it from 10 feet up. But my nerves!
It didn’t end there for my nerves yesterday. I took him to the exhibition. Please note how much I hate going to exhibitions. It’s not so much the fair itself, or the idea of the fair, it’s the cost (astronomical), the parking (impossible), standing around in the hot sun nursing an over-priced bottle of water while trying to keep track of my kid and his friends in a giant crowd. It’s like herding cats!
Here’s where I lost my last nerve. It was a ride called “The Freak Out”. Guess who freaked out? Not my son, that’s for sure. It was me. I could sense he was a bit nervous and probably asked him about 3 times while he waited in line if he wanted to change his mind. He’d quietly nod and say he was fine. He’s like me, he gets quiet when he’s nervous. But he did it. He put his tiny body (still my baby) on this terrifying ride that flung him and his friends all around and up in the air and I couldn’t stop staring but I wanted to look away. I was so worried for him. My stomach in knots. When he got off the ride, I asked him. “Did you like it?” thinking he’d be upset because it was so scary.
He loved it! The worst is that this is just the beginning. I have years ahead of him causing me anxiety over stuff like this. I squashed my nerves, smiled and told him “That’s great buddy, I’m so happy you had fun. You’re so brave, do you want to try it again?”
He answered: “I had fun but I’m good for now” THANK GAWD BECAUSE I CAN ONLY HANDLE SO MUCH IN ONE DAY!
I want my chill back.